A Moment like this
Nhan Ngo
[32]
December 31th, 2009
It the last day of the year and ostensibly, it feels as if not a lot had taken place, but when you break it down and introspectively pick out the morsels of events that have taken place, a mosaic hits your face. In this year alone I’ve had my high school prom—which, if I might add, did not live up to the hype that it was made out to be—and my high school graduation; I’ve enrolled into a University that is provinces away with what initially was thought to be a secured full scholarship, leaving history in its entirety behind me and in the process met a couple of good friends where I just recently had a fall out with one a few days ago.
Adding on to this was a list of firsts. On a smaller scale I’ve experienced my first taste at failing a course and how it feels like to perform poorly, in school. On a larger one, I’ve officially met my dad-turned-alleged dad for the very first time after eighteen years of dealing with his absence, only to receive my first dose of living life independently after having a fall out with his common law—my step mom, who presently still holds an extreme distaste to my presence. To add the cherry on top, I’ve also met and befriended a homeless man who is serving to be the only right thing that has been happening thus far. I probably missed out some other details that have taken place, but nevertheless, it’s incredible to think that all this took place within the span of one year. Actually scratch that, it wasn’t even one, it was half; everything I’ve mentioned took place in the last six months. Whatever occurred beyond that is a blur, but I am sure quite a mouthful exists if I allocated more effort remembering them.
When the clock strikes nine in the morning, my mind begins to undergo a loud mental debate with one side telling me to get up and make the most out of my day because life is too short to waste while the other tells me to remain where I am, close the gateway to all of my senses once again and go back to sleep, reminding me that I am allowed to sleep in today for I have done more than my fair share this past school semester. Although the latter had put out more legitimate excuses on the table, the former proceeds to whine, nag, scream, wail, and then begins sending me through a guilt trip to which the latter continues its logical, deductive reasoning and on and on it goes. Did I mention this was all occurring when I am still half asleep?
However, today I didn’t have to deal with any of this because something important was coming in today, something that will finally provide the final answer to a question that should be been resolved and conveyed eighteen years ago—my paternity test.
My mail usually comes at around 9:30 and lately Amadeo has been kind enough to bring them up for the two of us after his early morning walks, but given the content of today’s mail, I thought I would take the initiative instead. As expected, Amadeo was not at home when I walked out of my apartment to head to my mailbox in the lobby on the first floor. Although a late night sleeper, he wakes up fairly early. Sometimes I can hear him rustling about in the kitchen at six in the morning and there are moments when I question his ability to achieve such a feat—especially when I am pressed for time with assignment deadlines, midterms, and exams—but then I realize that the older you get, the less sleep you probably need to be rejuvenated the following day.
Slipping the tiny key into the slot in my mailbox and turning it over clockwise, I opened it to find only a thin sheet of paper from Bell advertising their combo package of high speed internet and high definition television box. That’s odd, I thought to myself, ironically disappointed. It’s been five business days already and on the clinic’s website that was the designated waiting time to obtain your results so why didn’t anything come in yet? Could I have written the address wrong? No, that’s impossible. I checked it over enough times to make sure there weren’t any errors and even if there was, my phone number and email were there in case.
I walked over to the reception desk. “Hi George, did the mailman come in today?”
“Ah, Brendan, yes he did; he just left a little while ago actually. Were you expecting something in the mail?”
I nodded. “But nothing came in though...”
“It’s still the holiday season so what you’re expecting might have been a bit delayed given the mass influx of mail during this time of year. A few more days won’t hurt, right?” George smiled at me.
Wrong, I wanted to say. Tomorrow is New Years and I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting another ‘few more days’. I’m usually patient, but I just wanted to get this over with, now. But instead,
“You’re right; I suppose a few more days won’t hurt. Well I hope you have a pleasant New Year’s Eve, George.”
“Thank you Brendan, I hope the same for you as well,” George said with a smile. “You’re very mature and polite for your age, you know that?”
I return his smile with a grin of my own. “I hear that here and there.”
“Well, it’s a compliment,” he nods.
“Thanks,” I said and went back to the elevators.
Getting off on my floor, there was someone walking near the end of the hallway. It was a tall, lean girl with straight light-auburn hair that extended down to half her back. She was wearing a grey belted wool coat with black skinnies and a pair of matching boots that almost reached her kneecap. A large nude handbag hung from her elbows, swaying back and forth as she walked. Judging by the way she examined each door as she passed, my guess is that she’s a guest of someone’s. As I walked closer, she stopped right in front of my door and knocked a couple of times, waiting.
“Excuse me miss? Are you looking for somebody?”
“Yes actually, I’m looking for a person name Br—” she turns around and my eyes widened as did hers. “Brendan,” she finished softly and let my name linger in the air.
“Abby? What on Earth are you doing here?”
She slides her handbag down towards the floor and holds it with both hands. “I came to see you,” she shyly smiled.
“Oh...” was all I could say.
“Hopefully I didn’t catch you at a bad time?”
“Um no, not at all, come on in,” I walked over to open the door to let the both of us in. A flutter of memories began to flood back of high school, bringing a wave of regret and disappointment with it. History had found and caught up to me, uninvited.
“Make yourself comfortable,” I closed the door behind us. “I’ll make us something warm to drink.”
“Okay,” she complied and looked around my apartment. “Wow, Brendan, this is a very nice place you have.”
“A tenant was generous enough to provide me this place to rent for the school year.” I answered while pouring boiling water into two mugs of green tea.
“Is he charging you much?” Abigail takes a seat on the sofa and places her bag beside her.
“No, it’s actually quite the deal. Here you go,” I handed her a mug and she took it.
“Thank you,” she said and took a tiny sip while I sat across from her.
“How were you able to find me?” I asked, looking at Abigail briefly before directing my gaze towards the coffee table. She still looked the exact same as I had remembered her from last June—the same hazel eyes, contrasted by her black eyeliner and mascara; the olive heart-shaped face; the slightly arched yet thin eyebrows; and the naturally pink cupid’s lips—I was surprised I didn’t recognize her right away at first glance.
“A couple of days prior to Christmas I couldn’t get a hold of you so I headed over to your place and your mom told me that you were in Toronto for school. Seeing how I had cousins over here and how they invited my family over for Christmas, I asked her for your address so I could stop by while I was here.”
I gave what she said a thought. “But then you would have ended up at...”
“At your dad’s yes.” I slightly winced at the parental reference and the anxiousness of wanting my paternity test results stirred again. “I came by yesterday, but no one was home at the time so I thought you all left, but then a guy named Brian came by and told me you weren’t staying there, but rather that you were here.”
“I see.”
Before either of us could say anything else, my cell phone rang and I answered it without looking at the caller I.D. “Hello?”
“Hi Brendan,” Evelyn’s voice came through the phone. I blinked in shock at the timing.
“Evelyn, hi, what a surprise,” I cast a glance at Abigail. “Um could I call you back later? I’m currently in the middle of something.”
“Oh...sure,” A hint of disappointment traced Evelyn’s voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to impose.”
“You never do. I’ll call you back once I’m done, okay?”
“Take your time, there’s no need to rush,” Evelyn assured.
“Okay I’ll talk to you soon, bye now.”
“Bye Brendan,” Evelyn hung up and I felt guilty for cutting the conversation short, but there was something afoot that I had to promptly deal with.
“Sorry about that,” I apologized.
“It’s okay. You could have continued. I wouldn’t have mind.”
“No that would’ve been impolite of me.”
Abigail flashed a grin. “Always the gentleman,” she softly spoke as if there was another member in the room instead of me. I didn’t answer and a moment of silence passed between us, the only sound being the ticking of the clock mounted on the wall.
“So how have you been, Brendan? How’s Toronto compared to Vancouver?”
It’s evident that Abigail was trying to run circles around the real reason of what she really was here for, but I went along with it to see where she was planning to take this. It was also a distraction anyway to take my mind away from having no mail today.
“I’ve been well, thanks. Toronto’s been...different for lack of a better term. It’s given me a much clearer insight on things.
“Will you just be here for your undergraduate studies or?”
“If I could help it, I’d like to establish a new life here.”
“I see,” Abigail pondered on my answered for a moment, her countenance slightly marred with disappointment, but she immediately recoiled. “That’s great, Brendan. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I replied, not believing her and taking a sip out of my tea.
“You’ve always appeared to be in control of your life. I really admire that.”
I scoffed. “Contrary to that, things are not always what they appear to be, but I suppose I can see why you say that.”
“You don’t appear too happy to see me though, would that apply?” Abigail placed her mug down onto the table. I held on to mine, looking outside the window. The skies were clear today, but with my living room being on the west end, the rays of the sun were unable to grace us.
I let out a sigh. “I’m indifferent,” I finally answered.
The two of us went quiet again, this time for a longer duration than the first. It was growing to be awkward and I felt tempted to tell Abigail to spill out what she really wanted to say already along with the real the reason why she’s here so we could get it over with.
“Why did you leave without saying anything, Brendan?” Abigail asked spontaneously as if she had been reading my mind, surprising me.
I maintained my composure, shrugged my shoulders and leaned back against the sofa. “I just wanted a fresh start, that’s all.”
“But why didn’t you at least mention it or something?” Her tone was accusatory now.
“If I did, that wouldn’t connote a fresh start, now would it?”
“I guess not...”
“I don’t see what the big deal is, Abby.”
“The big deal?” her voice escalated. “The big deal is that you left us all hanging, Brendan—me, Aaron, Lillian and—” she paused.
I raised my eyebrows, knowing perfectly the last name on the list she was missing. “And?”
“And Jason,” Abigail hesitated. “Brendan it was a mis—”
“Abby let’s not start with that again, please?” I said without looking at her. “Didn’t we already agree upon letting the past be the past?”
“We did, but you haven’t really followed through.”
I shot her an incredulous look. “I haven’t really followed through? Last I check you were the one at my doorstep just now.”
“And you were the one who moved away to another school in another province without saying anything. I know I hurt you in the past, but—”
“Hold your horses, Abby,” I put out a hand. “If you think I left the province because of you, you really need to get over yourself.”
“Well then why did you leave then?”
“For my own good and reasons unbefitting your concern,” I sharply replied.
Abigail lets out a sigh of annoyance. “Brendan will you just—”
“No I will not,” I affirmed sternly. “I left for my own reasons and quite frankly I don’t think I am under any obligations to explain if I believe it’s unnecessary.”
“Okay then what about obligations to your best friends? We’ve always stood by you, Brendan. If not me and Jason, then Aaron and Lily. What did they ever do?”
I looked at Abigail in disbelief. “Stood by me? Is that what you call it when my birthday rolls around every year and you guys forget yet when it comes to your own respective dates it’s a full-out party? Is that what you call it when the only times I see or hear from you guys is solely when you guys needed something from me? Stood by me? Using me until your heart’s content is more like it”
As expected, Abigail went mute, knowing clearly I was right, and this fuelled me to go on.
“I don’t understand you guys sometimes. You can do such things and nor I or anyone reprimands you for it but, when I try to dissent and do something different or out of character—needless to say of lesser severity—I’m immediately ostracized? For Christ’s sake Abby, you cheated on me with Jason, my best friend who I once called a brother and I simply let it slide. Yet here I am just trying to pursue an education elsewhere and you’re flipping out? Put that into perspective for a moment, will you? Where’s the rationale behind that?”
“It was a mistake, Brendan and I’ve told you again and again that I’m very sorry!”
“Well sorry isn’t going to change anything now will it?”
“And neither is holding a grudge. What do you want me to do? Prove it, Brendan? God knows I’ve been trying from that day ever since you found out. I was wrong, I wasn’t thinking, I deserve to be punished, and I have because I lost you, the best thing that’s happened to me, but are you really going to punish me for a lifetime? Tell me, what can I do until you’ll forgive me? What do you want from me?”
I let out a breath through my nose, not willing to sit here and reinvoke the past, making it more prevalent than it already was. I came here to leave things where it should belong: behind. And I am not about to let a fragment—a big one for that matter—have the chance and liberty to render my efforts a wasted one.
“Just stop Abby, I—“
“No, I’m not going to stop!” she yelled. “Every time that I try to bring this up you always try to avoid it. Well, not this time, Brendan, not when I travelled across provinces just to see you.”
“To see me? You just said you came here to see your cousins.”
“I have no cousins here! You out of all people should have known that; you’ve met every family member of mine when we were together.”
I realized she was right and I scolded myself for not thinking before talking. I then immediately wondered where and who she was staying with, but then reminded myself to not let my guard down and give in to unreciprocated concern; I already lost face one and I wasn’t going to let it happen again.
“And what a mistake that was,” I replied evenly.
Abigail’s eyes widened and her face flushed pink. I was angering her, but it didn’t bother me at all. In a way it was like I was taking revenge for everything she’d done to me, taking back my trust and my dignity.
“Yes, yes it was a mistake,” Abigail fumed, getting out of the sofa. “And it was a mistake coming here too, she continued before storming towards the door. I, on the other hand, remained rooted in my spot, not moving, not caring.
“But just so you know,” Abigail spoke from afar. From the distance in her voice I could tell she was beside the door. “Mistakes are lessons, Brendan. I made one and I’ve learned from it; I’m facing it head on, apologizing countless times then, flying all the way here to see you now, not just because I missed you and because I still love you; I wanted to prove to you that contrary to your claim, I am still standing by you, owning up to my mistakes, whereas you, you’re just simply being a coward running away from your problems, hoping everything can fix itself. If you expect everyone you meet and everything you experience to be perfect, reality check, Brendan, it’s your turn to get over yourself; you’re living in a fantasy world.” And with that Abigail slammed the door shut.
I buried my head in my hands, sighing into them. I’ve just basically had the words I spoke to Thomas in Christmas rerouted back and slapped right across my own face. I wasn’t running away, was I? I was facing my problems, maybe not in the confrontational, up-in-your-face-way, but I was. Letting go is a remedy; it’s a solution, is it not?
I felt another surge of headache coming up and walked outside to the balcony to get some air. It was chilly outside, but liberating at the same time. I dug into my pockets and my fingers brushed upon my phone, eliciting the memory of Evelyn calling a while before and my promise to call her back. I take out my cell and dialled her number.
“Hello?” Evelyn picks up after the second ring.
“Hi Eve, I’m really sorry for before. I wanted to finish what I was doing so I could allocate all of my attention to you.”
“That’s sweet of you,” she spoke softly. “And it’s okay. I understand. Is everything resolved now?”
“Somewhat, but nothing I can’t deal with later. So how are you pookie? I haven’t heard from you in a few days now. How did Christmas go?” Pookie was a nickname I had randomly come up with for Evelyn a while back when we were grabbing lunch together. We were at the local Tim Hortons and Evelyn was eating a cookie so the five year old inside me decided to spontaneously blurt it out. She began to laugh, saying she really liked it and so I’ve been using it sparingly from time to time. Now that I think of it, she still hasn’t come up with one for me yet except Skipper McSkippy when I missed out on one of our Chemistry class due to illness. It’s cute, but it makes me feel like being a part of the McDonald’s Menu.
Evelyn giggled a bit upon hearing the word Pookie. “Christmas was...eventful,” she answered and I noticed the hesitancy in her voice.
“Is everything okay?”
For some reason, I thought I could feel her smiling to herself on the other end. “I’m always left amazed at how easily you can read me even when we’re not face to face.”
“Years of practice,” I attempted at a joke.
“It’s definitely paid off, but everything is fine. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“Are you sure?”
Just then I heard a few voices coming from Evelyn’s end of the phone in the background. “I’m positive. Listen, Brendan, I have to go now. There are a few errands I have to run with my family. Thank you for calling; it really means a lot. I’m glad I got to hear your voice today. I miss you,” Evelyn let the last few words linger.
I smiled to myself. “I miss you too.”
“I’ll see you soon hopefully?”
“Definitely and hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here alright?”
“I’ll definitely take you up on that offer and hold you to it. Bye Brendan.”
“Bye now.”
The two of us hung up the phone and I stare out into the skyline of Toronto. The city appears to be so spacious from up here, yet so cluttered at the same time. It made me wonder, did we really need all of the space we take or are we just exerting our superiority and characteristics as insatiable human beings? We’re so infinitesimal, yet we sometimes are quite egocentric, acting as if the world should revolve around us and our problems while we minimalize that of others. And now, with my unwillingness to talk to my mom, with my paternity test result still looming on the horizon, with my recent argument with Abigail and Emmanuel a few days back, I begin to question: am I being the very same way?
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