Choice

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately. I've also been doing a bit of retrospective reflecting on my life and as I took both into consideration, one faint yet solid thought continues to recur: happiness has been, is, and quite possibly might be something I have complete and utter control over. 

I choose indulge myself in and surround myself with the people and things that make me happy; be it friends I choose to spend time with, a person I commit to being in relationship with, the things I buy, the choices I make, everything ultimately boils down to my decision and consequent will to surrender and accept this happiness that I--and I am sure that many--so desperately seek.

I've always worked for what I have; nothing was ever given to me on a silver or gold platter and I am beginning to see the same ethos being applied to my mood/emotions. It's quite intriguing to finally obtain the insight that what initially seemed so natural to the human mind, is actually a well-covered, almost invisible display of repetitive, circular actions: choice.    

Only So Much a Heart Can Take

There is only so much that a heart can take before it stops beginning to feel. Once the threshold is met, it lets go to protect itself before it stops beating for good. But for you, oddly enough, even if mine stops beating, I'd still risk that to make you happy. However, it's disheartening though to feel and quite possibly know you would not do the same.

But to do this, I always need time to pick myself up after being plummeted to the ground by you.

The Story Behind a Smile

Many have asked me: "How are you always so calm? How are you always so positive?" And my answer to them (and sometimes even to me when I forget and doubt), although not verbally spoken, is: "It's definitely not easy."

But I suppose that's not really an answer. So, how do I do it?

I smile like nothing is wrong--I smile, even when it hurts, even when I'm right and the other person's wrong, even if the demands thrown at me are senseless and ludicrous, even when the only thing I want to do is sit down and break apart into little pieces.. . I know my threshold; I know it has grown to a capacity where as long as what I do makes the other person happy (usually ones I care deeply and tremendously for), even if it means I am going to suffer from the consequence be it short or long term, I'd be willing to make the sacrifice.


I can tell you this much: it's not a walk in the park, but rather, it's an accumulation of tiny steps taken from all the mishaps and mistakes that occurred in my past life and those that are to come. I've learnt that for me, happiness is quite far-fetched and I'd much rather let it come naturally to me as opposed to searching for it. If it comes, that's great; if not, that too is also fine.